


Falling

by walkalittleline



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: M/M, just a gay boy and a lesbian angsting over falling for their best friend, mentions of beaujester
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-03
Updated: 2020-05-03
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:53:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,553
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23988418
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/walkalittleline/pseuds/walkalittleline
Summary: No one else seems to notice the thinly veiled misery on Caduceus’ face behind the forced smile he plasters on, his eyes clocking Fjord when the conversation doesn’t require him. Beau catches the way his jaw sets and the corners of his lips twitch downward, the subtle signs of hurt on his face. Of course she would be the one to pick up on it, though.
Relationships: Caduceus Clay/Fjord
Comments: 12
Kudos: 265





	Falling

Beau knows she’s still learning how to open herself up to her friends, how not to close up and lash out when things get to be too much. Well, she’s trying anyway. But she takes some pride in the fact that she can tell when one of _them_ is the one who needs to talk. When Jester needs a hug or Fjord needs reassurance or Caleb a hand over his own when he grips her shoulder so hard it almost hurts. She _does_ love these people with all their eccentricities and skeletons that are still hidden clumsily. 

So when she sees the way Caduceus falls silent when Fjord begins chatting up the woman they’re meant to be tailing, sees the way his shoulders sink and he shrinks in on himself—a feat for someone as tall as he is—something she can’t believe she didn’t realize before clicks in her brain and she has to keep from letting the shock show on her face as they sit gathered in the crowded tavern. 

No one else seems to notice the thinly veiled misery on Caduceus’ face behind the forced smile he plasters on, his eyes clocking Fjord when the conversation doesn’t require him. Beau catches the way his jaw sets and the corners of his lips twitch downward, the subtle signs of hurt on his face. Of course she would be the one to pick up on it, though. She knows that feeling, that ache in her chest when her feelings for Jester went from existing to realized to undeniable, how she would pretend it didn’t hurt when she talked about Fjord with stars in her eyes. She hasn’t done that recently, has told Beau herself she thinks she doesn’t really feel that way about him anymore, but it doesn’t make that dull throb of affection hurt any less.

And maybe it’s because it’s Caduceus of all people that makes her feel a combination of guilt and empathy. She’s so used to him becoming this rock of calm energy they all chaotically seem to orbit around that she thinks they’re probably all guilty of not considering what he’s feeling. In her defense, he’s very good at deflecting and hiding whatever those emotions are. 

They’re clear now, though. When Fjord shoots them a thumbs up before heading towards the stairs with the woman, she sees the split second of devastation on Caduceus’ face before he trains it back into a stiff smile. He manages to maintain it for a full two minutes before making the excuse that he’s going to get some air before bed and heading out of the tavern alone.

“I need some air, too,” Beau says after he’s disappeared through the open entry.

“ _Ooooh_ ,” Nott says, waggling her eyebrows suggestively.

Beau throws her a disgusted, incredulous look, which earns her a snicker, before following Caduceus’ path through the tables and stepping into the warm night air. It smells like salt and warmth, as close to the ocean as they are, a scent she hadn’t grown up with but thinks she could get used to easily. It makes her think of Jester and of Fjord, for entirely different reasons.

It’s not hard to track Caduceus down. Being over seven feet tall with bright pink hair doesn’t lend well to staying hidden. She finds him in the alley behind the tavern, seated against the wall with his knees tucked up to his chest so he can rest his chin on his folded arms. Even at the end of the alley she can hear his hearty sniff and see his drooping ears. His ears perk up as she approaches and he hastily wipes his eyes when he sees her, scrubbing his face with his sleeve in a way she thinks is meant to be subtle.

“Beau,” he says in a falsely cheery voice, sounding as if he has a bad head cold. “Something wrong?”

“Come on, man,” she sighs as she moves to sit next to him. “Anyone with eyes can see what’s wrong.”

“I don’t know what you mean,” he says evasively, that same, stiff smile on his face. “I’m fine.”

She gives him a flat look. His eyes are red and puffy from crying, his cheeks still streaked with drying tears he hadn’t managed to wipe away.

“You don’t have to try and lie about it,” she says in a gentler tone. “I’m not going to tell anyone.” She hesitates a moment before continuing, “I know how it feels, man. Not knowing if they’d even… be interested in the first place. Not wanting to accidentally ruin your friendship by saying something or acting on it. It fucking sucks.”

She watches his lip tremble and tears well up bright in his eyes, spilling down his cheeks when he blinks and tucks his chin back against his arms with a loud sniff.

“I wondered,” he mutters. “I’m sorry.”

Beau shrugs one shoulder, sighing and picking at the wraps on her forearms absently.

“‘S’okay,” she says. “You get used to it. Get good at pretending.”

Caduceus sniffs again and looks sideways at her. He looks so damn _miserable_ that she scoots closer to him and lays her hand on his elbow comfortingly. He’s too tall to put her arm around his shoulders even slumped the way he is.

“It hurts,” he says tremulously, more tears splashing onto his arms. “I didn’t know it hurt like this. I didn’t think it _actually_ felt like your heart was breaking.” He inhales shakily and his whole face scrunches up before he buries it in his arms, his body shaking silently apart from shuddering gasps.

“Oh… Caduceus.” 

She feels a rush of sympathy for him that makes her own eyes prickle, sitting up on her knees so she can wrap her arms around him in an awkward hug that he readily leans into. She forgets so often that he’s, relatively speaking, barely older than she is, that he spent his whole like isolated and spent _years_ alone rather than just springing up fully formed with all his weird plant metaphors ready to help them when they most needed it.

“I hate it,” he says, voice muffled and thick. “I don’t know why I feel like this about him.” He lifts his head up again, his face a mess of tears, flushed and splotchy with color and eyes puffy. “I’ve never felt this way about someone. Why now? Why _him_?”

Beau huffs out a humorless laugh.

“I think that’s just love, man,” she says with a defeated shrug. “You don’t get to decide when you feel it.”

Caduceus sniffs and wipes his forearm over his eyes before digging the heels of his palms into them like he’s trying to stem the flow of tears.

“If it’s any comfort,” she says, “I’m pretty sure it doesn’t mean anything. He’s just… you know…” She trails off a little helplessly.

“Yeah,” Caduceus mumbles, tugging at his sleeve and staring at his own feet. “I guess.”

“I’m really sorry,” Beau says seriously. “I didn’t—I had no idea.”

Caduceus chuckles wryly. “That was my hope,” he says. He gets a distant sort of look in his eyes. “I wasn’t ever going to act on it, you know? I don’t even remember when it happened, he just… he makes me feel…”

“Like you’re better than you really are?” Beau offers miserably.

Caduceus gives her a surprised look that quickly turns understanding.

“Yeah,” he says, nodding. He sighs. “I kept thinking about how nice it was spending time with him.” He flushes dark, looking sheepish. “I never wanted to kiss anyone before but… I dunno. I thought it might be nice to kiss him.”

Beau smiles, trying to suppress her incredulity that Caduceus has never even been kissed before. He really is too _good_ for his own good.

“I get it,” she says. “I mean, not the wanting to kiss Fjord part, that sounds gross—“ Caduceus smiles— “but I get it. I would tell you to say something but I don’t want to get called a hypocrite so… if you ever want to talk about it. Or I can kick his ass, if you want.”

Caduceus laughs wetly at that, wiping his eyes and smiling gratefully at her.

“Thank you, Beau,” he says. He pulls her into a hug that she gladly returns. “You know, I think Jester is right. You are better than you think you are.”

“Yeah, yeah, alright,” Beau mumbles gruffly, blinking rapidly a few times as he pulls back, smiling without any trace of stiffness. “The offer to kick Fjord’s ass still stands, though.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.” Caduceus stands and brushes himself off before holding out a hand to pull her up with him.

“The other option is to find some other hot dude and try to make _Fjord_ jealous,” she says, grinning and elbowing him in the ribs suggestively. “Want me to wingman for you?”

Caduceus smiles but shakes his head. “I think I just want to go to bed,” he says. “Try and forget about the whole thing.”

“Yeah, I get that,” Beau sighs, falling in step alongside him out of the alley and back towards the tavern. 

He stops suddenly when they’re outside the entrance, eyes wide and face paling.

“What’s wrong?” Beau says, glancing around out of habit.

“We’re supposed to share a room,” he says, voice small. “But if he’s…” He swallows and Beau hears the tremor in his voice as he trails off.

“You can stay with us,” she says bracingly and claps him on the back. “Jes and Yasha won’t mind. Jes keeps saying she wants to braid your hair like Yasha did that time, it’ll be fun.”

Caduceus gives her a grateful look and a small, weak smile, nodding.

“You know where our room is? Go ahead, I’ll bring the others when everyone’s done. I won’t say anything. Promise,” she adds seriously.

Caduceus nods again, heaving a sigh before heading back inside. He slouches across the room towards the stairs and disappears around the corner. Beau rejoins the others at the table, brushing off their questions about Caduceus by insisting he’s not feeling well. 

“Hey, just a heads up,” she mutters to Jester and Yasha as they’re heading upstairs an hour or so later. “Cad is staying in our room since Fjord is…” She makes a lewd hand gesture and Yasha arches an eyebrow while Jester titters.

“I told him he had to let you braid his hair,” Beau adds to Jester, who lights up excitedly. 

“Ooh, I have a ribbon that will look so nice with his hair,” she says brightly, grabbing Yasha’s hand to tug her the rest of the way up the stairs.

“I’m gonna grab his stuff,” Beau calls after them. She heads to the room Fjord and Caduceus were planning to share, grimacing as she presses her ear to the door and sighing in relief when the room is silent.

She cracks the door and peeks inside, surprised to find Fjord lounging on the bed fully dressed and carefully cleaning his already gleaming sword. He looks up as she enters, frowning in confusion.

“Hey,” he says, setting his sword aside. “Everything alright?”

“Yeah,” Beau says slowly, shutting the door behind her as she steps into the room. She peers around suspiciously. 

“Did you… need something?” Fjord says.

“You just ran out after, huh?” 

“What?” Fjord sounds thoroughly confused now.

Beau looks him over him closely, narrowing her eyes and leaning into his space. Fjord leans back warily.

“Beau, what—“

“You didn’t do it,” she interrupts him.

“Didn’t do what?” Fjord replies, sounding utterly baffled.

“Fuck her,” Beau says bluntly.

“ _What_?” Fjord splutters, flushing immediately. “No, I didn’t—not that it’s any of your business—“

“Shut up,” Beau says, cuffing him around the head.

“Ow!” Fjord cries, giving her a disbelieving, offended look. “What was that for?!”

“ _You_ ,” she says, pointing at him accusingly.

“‘Me’ what?” Fjord retorts, nursing his ear and scowling.

Beau huffs, folding her arms and surveying him closely. He withdraws suspiciously, eyes darting to her hands like he’s afraid she’ll smack him again.

“You really didn’t do anything with her?” she says at last.

“I— _no_ ,” he says emphatically. “I don’t know why it’s so damn important. We talked and she… well she _tried_ to convince me to but… Regardless, nothing happened. We just talked.”

“Why?” Beau says, frowning. “She was pretty hot. And she definitely doesn’t seem as crazy as Avantika. Less likely to kill you in your sleep, at least.”

“I’m getting mixed signals here, did you want me to sleep with this woman or not?” Fjord says, exasperated.

“I mean _I_ don’t really care who you sleep with as long as it doesn’t put any of us in danger,” Beau says with an evasive shrug. “Just. Maybe there are… other people who do.”

Fjord frowns in confusion.

“‘Other people’?” he says. “Who?”

“Look, it’s not my place to say,” Beau says, throwing her hands up. “I’m going to bed.”

Fjord gives her a look like he wants to argue but seems to think better of it, muttering something darkly under his breath as she turns to leave.

“Oh, Beau,” he calls after her when she’s at the door. “You haven’t seen Caduceus, have you? He hasn’t come up yet.”

Beau pauses with her hand on the doorknob.

“Yeah,” she replies, “he’s sleeping in our room tonight.”

“Oh?” Fjord says, sounding confused and maybe a little disappointed. “Why’s that?”

“Jes wants to braid his hair,” Beau says with a shrug. It’s technically not a lie. “I should get his stuff,” she adds, remembering her original reason for coming and gathering up Caduceus’ things.

“Hm… well, alright.” Fjord sighs and Beau swears she sees his posture slump. 

“Do you want me to send him over?” she says, watching his reaction carefully as she continues, “You missed it after you left, some guy starting hitting on him, I figured you’d both be getting laid tonight.”

“What?” Fjord’s attention snaps over to her, his spine suddenly stiff with tension and his eyes wide.

Beau has to suppress a triumphant smirk.

“Yeah, some big goliath dude,” she says with a bored shrug. “Arms about as big around as Cad’s waist. Probably best nothing happened, he could have snapped him like a twig.”

Fjord’s face pales.

“Oh?” he says weakly. He clears his throat, trying and failing to sound disinterested as he adds, “And Caduceus was interested in him?”

“I mean, you know him,” Beau says. “He’s polite to everyone. But I think he might be into bigger guys, you saw him eyeing up Wursh and that minotaur.”

Fjord’s brow furrows and Beau barely manages to contain a snort of laughter when he flexes his own bicep absently.

“Right,” he mutters. “Well, he can do whatever he wants, he’s an adult.”

Beau hums.

“Well, I’ll tell him you’re not boning if he wants to sleep in here,” she says airily, waving a hand in Fjord’s direction before leaving with a smirk. There’s a groan of frustration from the room behind her a few seconds after she shuts the door.

She’s not sure Caduceus will approve of her lying about him having his own interested party but she figures he’ll thank her when she tells him the good news.


End file.
